Children who experience the disease of addiction in their homes growing up (COAs), often carry burdens that deeply affect them, and without assistance may continue to manage them in their adult lives. The environments COAs grow up in are typically marred with instability, emotional unpredictability, and a chronic sense of insecurity. It isn’t a question about parental love; it is the inconsistency of being available for their children resulting from the distraction and consumption of addiction in their lives. These early childhood experiences have profound effects, shaping their perceptions of self-image, confidence, and capability. As adults, many COAs (also known as ACOAs) find themselves being excessively hard on themselves, particularly when they face the inevitable challenges of balancing work, parenthood, and a myriad of other responsibilities.
Living With Doubt and Ridicule
The trauma – otherwise known as unresolvable stress – endured by COAs during their formative years can establish persistent patterns of self-doubt and self-ridicule. Living with a parent with problem substance use often means coping with broken promises, constant disappointments, and shame and blame. It can create a continual reminder in the mind that they are not good enough, often referred to as automatic negative thoughts or ANTS. Globalized thinking exasperates these thoughts, allowing one negative moment or thought to negate the positivity in their lives and thoughts. It allows one bad note during a recital to overwhelm a wonderful performance, confirming they shouldn’t play the instrument, don’t have any talent, didn’t practice enough, and usually accompanies negative and incessant name-calling. This critical self-talk is often revisited in adulthood, especially when encountering situations that echo childhood chaos—such as failing to meet their own high standards, struggling to manage an overwhelming workload, or dealing with a personality that reminds them of a family member.
Setting Too Many or Too High Expectations
For many COAs, the drive to overachieve can lead to an inability to say no or setting impossibly high standards. COAs are constantly proving to others – and more often to themselves – that they are good enough because of what they do, instead of who they are. It is very “black and white” thinking – so common in families impacted by the disease of addiction. So, if they aren’t constantly exceptional, they must be repulsive or despicable. The pressure to excel in every aspect of life—to be the perfect employee, the perfect parent, the perfect partner—can be crushing. This is compounded by the fact that the tasks they take on are often Herculean: full-time jobs, raising children, maintaining a household, coaching little league soccer, volunteering to be PTA president, and sometimes caring for aging parents as well. They say YES to every situation where they are needed, always trying to persuade themselves that NEED equals WANT, and if they are wanted enough they are good enough. Yet, they are never quite able to convince themselves that they are worthy individuals.
At times, COAs set the expectations so high it is impossible to achieve all they have set out to accomplish. When they fail to meet these self-imposed standards, their default response is often self-deprecation. This is not merely a habit but a deeply ingrained response, stemming from the unpredictability and criticism they may have faced as children. The fear of not being good enough, of not being able to manage or control their environment as they might have wished to in their childhood, comes rushing back. These failures only prove that these negative thoughts are correct.
Sometimes, the feeling of failure convinces them to stop trying altogether. The consistent message that they are not good enough becomes too difficult to bear on a regular basis: the grade on the test wasn’t high enough, they didn’t score enough goals during the soccer game, they couldn’t figure out how to put the IKEA furniture piece together, they were too tired to finish cleaning the house before they went to bed. Some COAs just stop trying, avoiding responsibility altogether and letting the self-hatred monopolize their thoughts and overtake decision-making. The ongoing failures and letting others down reinforces the self-criticism that repeats in their minds.
Improving Expectations and Acceptance Through Healing
The journey towards self-acceptance and reduced self-criticism for COAs is not just about managing tasks or improving productivity. There is a deeper need to heal these wounds from childhood and recognize that personal work may be needed to process and overcome these experiences from their youth. It’s about recognizing that they are more than the sum of their accomplishments; that their value does not diminish with each perceived failure. It is accepting that a person is of value because of who they are, not by what they demonstrate to themselves and others in projects and service. A person can be wonderful without receiving an “A” on the science project, an award during the competition, first place in the track meet, or a house that is spotless. By acknowledging their past, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, COAs can be gentler with themselves and begin to see themselves in a more forgiving light, gradually easing the burdens they carry. They can expect less and accept more. And bathe in the comfort that they are good enough just as they are, letting go of the need to prove to themselves or others that they are worthwhile.
Changing these patterns for COAs involves acknowledging and accepting the origins of their self-critical tendencies as the first step toward healing. Recognizing that their high expectations and harsh internal dialogues stem from their childhood traumas can help mitigate these negative thoughts. Seeking support through therapy and specific support groups for COAs can also be crucial, providing a sense of community and understanding that is both comforting and healing. Additionally, learning to set achievable, realistic goals can reduce feelings of failure, shifting the narrative from needing to do everything perfectly to doing the best one can in any given moment or day.
Developing a kinder internal voice through practicing self-compassion is essential. This often involves actively interrupting the negative thoughts when they occur, acknowledging that the thought is unfounded and counteracting critical thoughts with affirmations of worth and achievement. This simple but effective process helps COAs to see themselves in a more forgiving light. Additionally, by consistently repeating empowering statements, they can build new, positive neural pathways, which actively strengthens overall self-esteem and confidence. Gradually, COAs can ease the self-imposed burdens from their childhood through gentle self-care, and live in a much healthier, balanced way.
To learn more, visit The Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility, by Meghan Sullivan, NACoA Children’s Program Facilitator. This 15-minute recorded presentation was part of NACoA’s What Does Recovery Mean to You? discussion series, and features how the overdeveloped sense of responsibility drives current relationships for better or worse. Meghan presents on how to achieve a sense of balance through awareness and healthy practices.
