Lisa, a 62-year-old whose 85-year-old mother has enjoyed forty years of sobriety, routinely stops by to help with housekeeping, grocery shopping, and managing finances. She’s noticed that she leaves the visits a bit more anxious these days. She loves her mother and is so grateful that she is so healthy for her age. Yet, some of her mother’s more recent comments leave her feeling more like a little kid. When she was young, her mother was extremely controlling and blamed her for everything that happened in the family. She didn’t expect to field similar accusations these days, but yet tonight at dinner she heard: “Face it, you are wrong, wrong, wrong! You made that mistake in my checking account!” She found herself tempted to get up from the table and stomp out of the room, much like she did when she was a teenager. She just started to cry as she drove home; sad for these exchanges. They happen a lot more often now. She knows it wasn’t an intentional personal attack, but it certainly feels like one.
As our parents age, the dynamics of caregiving often shift dramatically. For children growing up with parental addiction (COAs) who are now adults, this can be an especially challenging time.
While we may have spent years—or even decades—dealing with the impact of a parent’s disease of addiction and their recovery, these issues can sometimes resurface in unexpected ways during their senior years. Unhealthy engagement behaviors, which might have been dormant for some time, can return, leaving COA adult children (ACOAs) to grapple with a resurgence of old triggers while trying to care for their aging parents.
It’s not uncommon for seniors in recovery, and their partners, to experience a return of unhealthy behaviors from the difficult years dealing with the disease as they age. A 60-year-old daughter who had addressed many childhood issues can feel 10 years old again when her father’s anger issues return in his late 70s. A 56-year-old son whose 80-year-old mother has come to live with him might become more defensive because she is judging a lot of what he does around the house. Factors like cognitive decline, loneliness, fears about getting older, additional medications, and increased dependency can trigger old habits for seniors who had successfully managed them for years. This can manifest in various ways—emotional outbursts, manipulation, control maneuvers, or even a return to addictive behaviors. For ACOAs, these behaviors can be particularly painful, as they often bring back memories of a difficult past.
The Emotional Conflict
For many ACOAs, the return of these behaviors creates a deep emotional conflict. On one hand, there is a strong sense of duty and love that drives the desire to care for aging parents. On the other, there is a very real fear of being re-traumatized by the resurfacing of unhealthy behaviors. This dichotomy can lead to feelings of guilt, resentment, and helplessness. It is very helpful to remember that while the aging parent’s health and cognition may be on the decline, our health and wellbeing doesn’t have to be. This is a time to be honest about the changes in our parents, remember that these challenges are not our fault, revisit prior strategies that may have been helpful when engaging with the family, and institute routine self-care strategies.
Navigating This Complex Terrain
• Stay in the Present: While it may feel like you are revisiting past exchanges, this is not the case. Resist the urge to revert to when you were younger and less capable of managing complex family situations. Instead stay sure-footed with today’s confidence, capabilities, and resilience.
• Set Boundaries: It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. Preparing some dependable loving phrases that help reconnect the healthier versions of both of you, distracting tense moments with more pleasant topics, or removing yourself from triggering exchanges can be extremely helpful. You may also find a need to limit the amount of time spent in triggering situations or seeking help from other family members or professionals to share the caregiving responsibilities.
• Communicate Openly: When possible, have honest conversations with your parent(s) about the behaviors and how they affect you. While this may not always lead to change, it can help in clarifying your own feelings and setting the stage for healthier interactions. Be realistic about outcomes from these conversations. It is important to remember that while parents may be apologetic about the situations and the resulting pain, they may lack the ability at this age to change their behavior.
• Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for support. This could be from a therapist, a support group, your Al-Anon sponsor, or family/friends who understand what you’re going through. Sharing your experiences can provide relief and a sense of community.
• Prioritize Self-Care: It’s easy to get lost in the needs of your aging parent, but it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being. Regular self-care practices, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, can help you maintain resilience. It’s important to remember HALT – that we often lack the capacity to behave in the healthiest manner when we allow ourselves to get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
• Embrace the Complexity: Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel conflicted at a time when your parent is aging and will continue to decline. Loving and caring for someone who has caused you pain is a deeply complex experience. Give yourself permission to feel a range of emotions without judgment.
• Foster an Attitude of Gratitude for This Time: These challenges are difficult, but often are inconsistent. At other times, when the healthier perspective of your parent emerges, treasure these moments. Appreciating the good times will help you tolerate the challenging ones. Create a gratitude journal to help you focus on everyday blessings.
Dealing with the resurgence of unhealthy engagement behaviors in an aging parent who is in recovery is undoubtedly challenging. However, by setting boundaries, seeking support, and prioritizing self-care, ACOAs can navigate this difficult terrain with compassion for both them and their parents. Remember, it’s possible to care for your aging parent while also protecting your own emotional health. The path is not easy, but with the right strategies, it can be managed in a way that honors both your past experiences and your present needs. Navigating these difficult relationships requires strength, understanding, and a commitment to both your own well-being and the well-being of your parents.
Resources to Consider:
Support Groups
- Al-Anon Family Groups
Al-Anon offers support to people who are affected by someone else’s drinking. They provide meetings (both in-person and online) where you can share your experiences and get support from others in similar situations. - Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)
ACA is a 12-step program designed specifically for adults who grew up in dysfunctional homes, including those with alcoholism. They offer meetings, literature, and a supportive community. - The National Alliance for Caregiving
Provides resources, support, and advocacy for caregivers, including those caring for aging parents with a history of substance abuse.
Books
- The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet G. Woititz
This book offers insight and guidance for adult children of alcoholics, helping them understand their past and navigate their present relationships. - Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
This book is essential for understanding how to set healthy boundaries, which is crucial when dealing with an aging parent whose behaviors may be challenging. - It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults by Claudia Black, PhD
Claudia Black’s book is a classic that helps COAs understand the dynamics of growing up with addiction and how it affects their adult lives, including their role as caregivers.
Articles and Readings
- Family Caregiving – HelpGuide
Discusses the unique stressors faced by adult children who are caregivers and offers tips for coping. - Family Caregiving – AARP
A comprehensive guide from AARP on preparing for the challenges of caring for aging parents, including legal and financial planning, as well as emotional support. - Substance Abuse Among Older Adults
Additional Resources
- Family Caregiver Alliance
Offers a wealth of information, resources, and support for caregivers of older adults, including those dealing with mental health or substance abuse issues. - National Institute on Aging (NIA)
Provides resources and information on aging and caregiving, including dealing with challenging behaviors in seniors.
