EMPOWERING PARENTS TO RECONNECT WITH THEIR TEENAGERS:
Utilizing the “Guide on the Side” Approach from NACoA’s Celebrating Families!

Navigating the choppy waters of parenting teenagers can often leave mothers and fathers feeling powerless, especially when their teens shut down or dismiss conversations. The “Guide on the Side,” approach, from NACoA’s Celebrating Families! whole-family recovery program, offers valuable strategies to help parents re-establish communication and foster a positive relationship.

Here’s how to implement these empowering techniques effectively.

1. Reassure – with Calmness
When conversations begin to heat up or shut down, it’s crucial for parents to maintain a calm demeanor. Teenagers are highly sensitive to emotions and can easily pick up on stress or frustration. By remaining calm, parents send a signal that no matter the emotional turmoil, the environment is safe for open dialogue. This can help teenagers feel more secure and be less defensive.

★ Practical Tip: Practice deep breathing before initiating conversations with your teenager. If the conversation begins to get tense, pause, and remind yourself to stay calm.

2. Point Out – What You See

Sometimes, teenagers struggle to articulate their feelings and may not understand their own behaviors. Parents can help by gently pointing out what they observe without judgment. For example, saying, “I noticed you seem quieter these days after school; is everything okay?” This technique helps in making the teenager aware that their feelings are visible and matter, without putting them on the defensive.

★ Practical Tip: Use neutral language and describe behaviors factually. Avoid assumptions or labels that might lead to further withdrawal.

3. Suggest – With Care

Instead of dictating what should be done, suggesting with care involves offering options and allowing the teenager to make decisions. This empowers them by providing control over their choices. For example, a mother might say, “Would you like to talk about what’s bothering you now, or would you prefer some time to unwind first?”

★ Practical Tip: Always offer more than one option, and ensure the choices are genuine and considerate of your teenager’s feelings and preferences.

4. Demonstrate – With Permission

This involves showing empathy and understanding by asking if it’s okay to share personal experiences or advice. For instance, “Can I share something similar that happened to me when I was your age?” This not only respects the teenager’s autonomy but also positions the mother as an ally rather than an authority figure.

★ Practical Tip: Always ask for permission before sharing your experiences or suggestions, reinforcing respect for their individuality and boundaries.

5. Affirm – With Authenticity

Authentic affirmations are crucial. They validate the teenager’s feelings and reinforce their self-worth. Affirmations should be specific and genuine, such as, “I really appreciate how you handled your disagreement with your friend; it shows a lot of maturity.”

★ Practical Tip: Look for things to affirm daily, even if they are small. Genuine praise can go a long way in building self-esteem and openness.

Implementing this approach can significantly empower parents dealing with teenagers who tend to shut down or dismiss conversations. By practicing reassurance, observation, careful suggestions, demonstrative empathy, and authentic affirmations, parents can create a nurturing environment that encourages open communication and strengthens relationships. These efforts not only bridge the communication gap but also empower teenagers to navigate their own emotions and challenges more effectively.

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