HOW COAS BATTLE SELF-CRITICISM AND STRIVE FOR PERFECTION
Children who experienced addiction in their homes growing up (COAs), often carry burdens from their past that deeply affect their adult lives. The environments they grow up in are typically marred with instability, emotional unpredictability, and a chronic sense of insecurity. It isn’t a question about parental love, it is the inconsistency of being available for their children resulting from the distraction and consumption of addiction in their lives. These early childhood experiences have profound effects, shaping their perceptions of self-image, confidence, and capability. As adults, many COAs find themselves being excessively hard on themselves, particularly when they face the inevitable challenges of balancing work, parenthood, and a myriad of other responsibilities. .
Living With Doubt and Ridicule
The trauma endured by COAs during their formative years can establish persistent patterns of self-doubt and self-ridicule. Living with a parent with an alcohol use disorder often means coping with broken promises, constant disappointments, and shame and blame, which can lead to a deeply ingrained belief that they are not good enough. It can create a continual reminder that repeats in the mind that they are not good enough, often referred to as automatic negative thoughts or ANTS. This belief can also be triggered in adulthood, especially when they encounter situations that echo their childhood chaos—such as failing to meet their own high standards or struggling to manage an overwhelming workload.
For many COAs, the drive to overachieve can lead to setting impossibly high standards. They are constantly proving to others, and themselves, that they are good enough because of what they do, instead of who they are. It is very “black and white” thinking- so common in families impacted by the disease of addiction. So, if they aren’t constantly exceptional, they must be repulsive or despicable. The pressure to excel in every aspect of life—to be the perfect employee, the perfect parent, the perfect partner—can be crushing. This is compounded by the fact that the tasks they take on are often Herculean: full-time jobs, raising children, maintaining a household, coaching little league soccer, volunteering to be PTA president, and sometimes caring for aging parents as well. These adults are never able to convince themselves they are good enough.
At times, COAs set the expectations so high it is impossible to achieve all they have set out to accomplish. When they fail to meet these self-imposed standards, their default response is often self-deprecation. This is not merely a habit but a deeply ingrained response, stemming from the unpredictability and criticism they may have faced as children. The fear of not being good enough, of not being able to manage or control their environment as they might have wished to in their childhood, comes rushing back. These failures only prove that these negative thoughts are correct.
Improving Acceptance and Expectations Through Healing
The journey towards self-acceptance and reduced self-criticism for COAs is not just about managing tasks or improving productivity. They have a deeper need to heal these wounds from childhood and recognize that personal work may be needed to process and overcome these experiences from their youth. It’s about recognizing that they are more than the sum of their accomplishments; that their value does not diminish with each perceived failure. It is accepting that a person is of value because of who they are, not by what they demonstrate to themselves and others in projects and service. We can be wonderful without receiving an “A” on the test, an award for that project, first place in the race, or a house that is spotless. By acknowledging their past, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, COAs can be gentler with themselves and begin to see themselves in a more forgiving light, gradually easing the burdens they carry from their childhood.
Changing these patterns for COAs involves acknowledging and accepting the origins of their self-critical tendencies as the first step toward healing. Recognizing that their high expectations and harsh internal dialogues stem from their childhood traumas can help mitigate these negative thoughts. Seeking support through therapy and specific support groups for COAs can also be crucial, providing a sense of community and understanding that is both comforting and healing. Additionally, learning to set achievable, realistic goals can reduce feelings of failure, shifting the narrative from needing to do everything perfectly to doing the best one can in any given moment or day. Developing a kinder internal voice through practicing self-compassion is essential. This might involve actively counteracting critical thoughts with affirmations of their worth and achievements, helping COAs to see themselves in a more forgiving light. Gradually, they can ease the self-imposed burdens from their childhood, and live in a much healthier, balanced way.
