Control is one of the most pervasive of these patterns.

As the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) Basic Text eloquently puts it, “To ask an adult child to surrender control is like asking someone to leap from an airplane without a parachute.” For many of us, control wasn’t just a preference—it was survival.

When our world felt unpredictable, chaotic, or dangerous, control gave us a sense of safety. But carried into adulthood, this survival tool can become a barrier. It shows up in perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, judgment toward ourselves or others, and an overwhelming fear of letting go. These thought patterns—what some call “modes of thinking” from unresolved childhood neglect or trauma—are rooted in the pain we weren’t yet ready or able to face.

Yet recognizing these patterns is the beginning of transformation.

The behaviors we may have adopted—like people-pleasing, isolating, intellectualizing, or even controlling through silence—aren’t character flaws. They’re learned responses to fear. When we name them, we bring them into the light. And in that light, healing becomes possible.

Recovery isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress, often with the help of compassionate therapists, support groups like Al-Anon or ACA, and nurturing self-care practices. It’s about trading fear for freedom and shame for self-understanding.

It’s about learning to trust.

And most importantly, it’s about knowing we’re not alone.

At NACoA, we believe that healing is possible. When we create space for honest reflection and support, we empower adult children of families affected by substance use disorders to reclaim their lives. Every step taken in awareness is a powerful act of self-love and renewal. Our NACoA colleague at One Elm at Horton Bay, Arch Wright, says this:

“Living without philosophy is just having the eyes closed without trying to open them.”

Let’s choose to open our eyes—gently, courageously. Let’s keep doing the work of healing not because we are broken, but because we are worthy of peace.

You are not your fear.
You are not your past.
You are a person—whole, valuable, and capable of profound growth.