Dr. Perry is the Principal of the Neurosequential Network and a Professor (Adjunct) at the School of Allied Health, Human Services and Sport, La Trobe University, Melbourne, Victoria Australia.

Over the last thirty years, Dr. Perry has been an active teacher, clinician and researcher in children’s mental health and the neurosciences holding a variety of academic positions. His work on the impact of abuse, neglect and trauma on the developing brain has impacted clinical practice, programs and policy across the world. Dr. Perry is the author, with Maia Szalavitz, of The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, a bestselling book based on his work with maltreated children and Born For Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered. Dr. Perry’s most recent book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing (2021), co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, has been translated into 26 languages and has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for over 100 weeks after becoming #1 on the list in April of 2021.

Dr. Perry was on the faculty of the Departments of Pharmacology and Psychiatry at the University of Chicago School of Medicine from 1988 to 1991. From 1992 to 2001, Dr. Perry served as the Trammell Research Professor of Child Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. During this time, Dr. Perry also was Chief of Psychiatry for Texas Children’s Hospital and Vice Chairman for Research within the Department of Psychiatry. From 2001 to 2003, Dr. Perry served as the Medical Director for Provincial Programs in Children’s Mental Health for the Alberta Mental Health Board. Dr. Perry was Professor (Adjunct) in the Departments of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago from 2009-2024.

Dr. Perry has conducted both basic neuroscience and clinical research. His neuroscience research examined the impact of prenatal drug exposure, the neurobiology of human neuropsychiatric disorders, the neurophysiology of trauma and adversity, and the development of neurotransmitter receptors in the brain. His clinical research and practice have a focus on the complex impact of developmental adversity. This work has examined the cognitive, behavioral, emotional, social, and physiological effects of developmental adversity such as neglect and trauma as well as the positive and resilience-building effects of healthy relational connections work has been instrumental in describing how childhood experiences, both negative and positive, change the biology of the brain – and, thereby, the health of the child.

Over the last thirty years, Dr. Perry’s clinical work has been focused on integrating emerging principles of developmental neuroscience into clinical practice. This work has resulted in the development of innovative clinical practices and programs. These include the Neurosequential Model©, a developmentally sensitive, neurobiology-informed approach to clinical work (NMT), education (NME), caregiving (NMC) and sport (NM Sport). The Neurosequential Model© has been integrated into practice and programs at hundreds of public, private and non-profit organizations in every state and in over 26 countries, impacting an estimated 4 million people worldwide.

His experience as a clinician and a researcher with traumatized children has led many community and governmental agencies to consult Dr. Perry following high-profile incidents involving traumatized children and youth including the Branch Davidian siege in Waco (1993), the Oklahoma City bombing (1995), the Columbine school shootings (1999), the September 11th terrorist attacks (2001), Hurricane Katrina (2005), the FLDS polygamist sect (2008), the earthquake in Haiti (2010), the tsunami in Tohoku Japan (2011), the Sandy Hook Elementary school shootings (2012), the Camp wildfire in California (2018) and the Turkey-Syria earthquake (2022), among many others.

Dr. Perry has published over 500 journal articles, book chapters and scientific proceedings and is the recipient of numerous professional awards and honors, including the T. Berry Brazelton Infant Mental Health Advocacy Award, the Award for Leadership in Public Child Welfare, the Alberta Centennial Medal and the 2014 Kohl Education Prize. In 2024 he was the recipient of National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Scientific Research Award. He serves on the Board of Directors of multiple organizations including Prevent Child Abuse America and the Ana Grace Project.

He has presented about child maltreatment, children’s mental health, neurodevelopment and youth violence in a variety of venues including policy-making bodies such as the White House Summit on Violence, the California Assembly and U.S. House Committee on Education and South by Southwest (SXSW). Dr. Perry has been featured in a wide range of media including 60 Minutes, National Public Radio, The Today Show, Good Morning America, Nightline, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS News, the Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah’s Super Soul. His work has been featured in documentaries produced by Dateline NBC, 20/20, the BBC, Nightline, CBC, PBS, as well as dozen international documentaries. Many print media have highlighted the clinical and research activities of Dr. Perry including a Pulitzer-prize winning series in the Chicago Tribune, The Sun Magazine, US News and World Report, Time, Newsweek, Forbes ASAP, Washington Post, the New York Times and Rolling Stone.

Dr. Perry, a native of Bismarck, North Dakota, was an undergraduate at Stanford University and Amherst College. He attended medical and graduate school at Northwestern University, receiving both M.D. and Ph.D. degrees. Dr. Perry completed a residency in general psychiatry at Yale University School of Medicine and a fellowship in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at The University of Chicago.

For more information on the work of Dr. Perry and the Neurosequential Network see the NMN YouTube Channel @infonmn326 and BDPerry.com.

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Copyright© 2024 National Association for Children of Addiction | Disclaimer

615 Baltimore Pike, STE H #1158, Bel Air, Maryland, 21014; nacoa@nacoa.org

Images within this website are stock photos used for illustrative purposes only.

All subjects are models, posing in representational situations.

Growing up with a parent who has a substance use disorder can leave lasting emotional scars. One of the most painful feelings it can bring is the sense of abandonment. When a parent is struggling with the disease of addiction, their ability to be fully present for their children often suffers, leading to feelings of loneliness, sadness, and even self-blame. These feelings intensify should parentification leave children caring for siblings and responsible for managing the household, rather than being able to spend time with their friends.

Navigate Complex Emotions and Find Paths to Healing

Here are some steps to help you process feelings of abandonment, develop resilience, and self-compassion along the way.

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings
The first step toward healing is recognizing and validating your feelings. Abandonment, anger, sadness, and confusion are natural reactions when a parent is unable to meet your emotional needs. It is OK to admit that you are feeling this way. You may feel like you’re constantly seeking their attention or hoping they’ll change, only to feel disappointed time and again. It’s also okay to feel hurt by this; acknowledging feelings instead of suppressing them can be very freeing. Allow yourself to feel without judgment—remember, your feelings are a valid response to a difficult situation.

2. Understand Addiction as a Disease
Understanding that addiction, otherwise referred to as substance use disorders, is a medical condition rather than a choice can help you shift your perspective. There are many wonderful resources to learn more about the disease, such as Addiction Policy Forum’s Addiction Education. While this doesn’t take away the hurt, it can help separate the person from their actions. Addiction changes the brain and often limits a person’s capacity to make thoughtful, healthy choices. This often changes how a person behaves, affecting their ability to prioritize relationships or responsibilities. Knowing this may make it easier to see that their struggles are not a reflection of your worth, but rather symptoms of a serious illness. This shift can reduce feelings of self-blame and help you approach the situation with more compassion for yourself and ideally, and perhaps eventually, your parent.

3. Reach Out to Others for Support
Feeling abandoned can lead to isolation, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to face these feelings alone. Connecting with friends, other family members, or a support group can offer comfort and a sense of community. Organizations like NACoA (National Association for Children of Addiction) provide resources and support specifically for young people and adults impacted by parental substance use. In group settings, you can meet others who understand your experiences, which can help reduce feelings of isolation and give you a safe space to express yourself.

Some Options that can be Helpful Include:

• NACoA’s Education and Discussion Group
• Al-Anon
Info for newcomers
• ACA – Adult Children of Alcoholics
Info for newcomers

4. Focus on Self-Care and Boundaries
Caring for your emotional well-being is crucial when dealing with feelings of abandonment. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy, whether it’s art, sports, journaling, or simply spending time in nature. These outlets can help you process difficult emotions and gain a sense of control over your life. Setting boundaries is also important; remember, it’s okay to protect your own mental health. While it’s natural to want to help your parent, recognizing your limits and prioritizing self-care is essential to maintaining your own well-being. While these new practices can be difficult, groups like those mentioned above can provide great guidance and support when establishing and adhering to taking better care of yourself.

5. Practice Self-Compassion
Feelings of abandonment can sometimes lead to self-doubt or self-criticism. Remind yourself that your parent’s disease of addiction is not your fault, nor is it something you can control. Practicing self-compassion—being kind to yourself during times of emotional pain—can be transformative. You might try writing down affirmations or positive reminders of your strengths and value. Engaging in self-compassion exercises can help you create an inner voice that is understanding and gentle, counteracting any negative self-talk that may arise.

6. Consider Speaking with a Counselor or Therapist
If feelings of abandonment become overwhelming, working with a therapist or counselor can be a helpful solution. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and process emotions related to your parent’s disease and can guide you in building coping mechanisms. Therapists trained in family dynamics and trauma can help you identify patterns in your relationships and provide strategies to work through abandonment issues. Therapy can also foster resilience, helping you gain a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional stability.

7. Explore Symptoms of Potential Co-Existing Conditions
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, and FASD (fetal alcohol syndrome disorders) are just a few of the co-existing issues that often occur in families impacted by substance use disorders. Without properly identifying these and managing them in healthy ways, many adults may fault themselves in other areas; misunderstanding that, for instance, feelings of abandonment may be the only reason that one is still struggling in adulthood. Should additional conditions be present, proper management and care can contribute to the ability to process feelings of abandonment. It is best to discuss any symptoms of concern with your primary care physician.

8. Create Meaningful Connections
When dealing with abandonment, creating meaningful connections outside the parent-child relationship can be essential for healing. Friends, mentors, or even extended family members can provide the emotional support that may feel missing. By building these connections, you create a network of people who care about you and can offer encouragement and companionship. Over time, these relationships can reinforce your sense of belonging and show you that you’re not alone.

Finding Strength in Your Journey

While dealing with a parent’s substance us disorder is deeply challenging, it’s possible to find peace and resilience. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and practicing self-care, you’re taking actions to protect your mental and emotional health. Healing from abandonment is a journey, but with time and compassion for yourself, you can move forward with a renewed sense of self-worth and hope for the future.

Remember, you are not defined by your parent’s struggles. Your journey to healing and growth is uniquely your own. With support, resilience, and self-compassion, you can navigate these feelings and come out stronger.

Professionals

While NACoA provides increasing amounts of information to help children and families, especially with the broad reach of internet communications, it is not feasible to provide needed direct services to children and families across the country and around the world. Therefore, NACoA’s approach to addressing family alcohol or other drug addiction as effectively as possible is to work with a network of relationships with professional groups who serve kids on the front lines.

Primary Care Providers

Primary Care Physicians see children suffering from the physical and emotional results of addiction in the family.

Justice System Personnels

The Court System sees the ravages of parental addiction to alcohol and other drugs in their courtroom every day.

Social Workers

Social workers touch every system that seeks to help children cope with a variety of family problems, many of which are rooted in parental addiction for many generations.

Educators and Student Assistance

Educators may notice that a child is withdrawn or unable to do school work because of the chaos at home caused by alcoholism/addiction.

Early Childhood Professionals

Early childhood Professionals see children from birth through age three, the youngest and most vulnerable population to be affected by parental addiction.

Faith Community

Faith leaders are often the first to be contacted by a spouse who needs help for themselves and their children.

NACoA relationships begin with leaders in targeted professional groups and proceed to a partnership that assists each group in determining what education and what tools are needed to adjust the group’s everyday actions so that children’s needs may be identified and addressed. Staff members, teachers, caseworkers, pastoral counselors and physicians are then educated about the needs and trained to make a difference in the lives of the children in their care on a daily basis.

Working in compassionate professions that touch the lives of traumatized children and teenagers regularly can emotionally exhaust and at times physically impact the best of professionals. Depending upon the level of daily involvement, these responsibilities have the capacity to even elicit PTSD-like symptoms, especially if you grew up in a family that struggled with substance disorders that created trauma in your earlier life. It is important for anyone working in these professions to exercise appropriate self-care, and if necessary consider attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. NACoA provides a wealth of information for those professionals who see children every day: profession-specific research, kits, books, online educational opportunities, trainings and videos to educate and support those who are in the best position to identify and assist children who live with alcohol or other addictions in the family.

Training & Programs

Our training and program resources equip professionals and individuals with tools and knowledge to help provide support to children and families impacted by a loved one’s alcohol or drug addiction.

Webinars

The library of webinars provides an archive of critical topics on addiction, its impact on the family, children and the community. The speakers are all well-known and knowledgeable subject-matter authorities, providing key insights and information for the listener. The webinars range from 1 ½ to 2 hours in length.

View Webinar

Courses

NACoA's Children's Program Kit

This NACoA-developed kit provides all the tools needed to implement educational support groups for children of clients in treatment for addiction, for educational support groups and other educational prevention activities in schools, and for support groups and educational programs in youth-serving community based and faith-based organizations.

Celebrating Families!

The Celebrating Families! curriculum is an evidence-based cognitive behavioral support group model written for families in which one or both parents have a serious problem with alcohol or other drugs and in which there is a high risk for domestic violence, child abuse, or neglect.

Family & Friends

It only takes one caring and understanding adult to change a child's life.

"Grandparents can be a haven of stability, predictability and undemanding love, and they can help the child make sense of an unpredictable and irrational situation."

- Stephanie Abbott, MA, family counselor

How Can Relatives and Friends of the Family Help?

When a child’s family struggles with alcohol or substance misuse/addiction issues, the most powerful assistance to the child can come from a caring adult in their lives. Often the child turns to a relative or friend of the family who has acknowledged in some way that they are concerned and available, thus making it feel safe for the child to talk. It could be the mother who is terrified of what is happening to her children as she watches her husband’s addiction grow more concerning, the grandmother who knows her son has a problem with prescription drugs, the best friend who is worried about the mother who routinely is drinking to excess and passing out before dinner, the older brother who works close by and is contacted regularly because no one picked up his younger brother from basketball practice, and many others, whom the child can trust with their “biggest worry.” The goal here is to put tools in the hands of these caring family members who take on the role of caretaker so that they might do the following things:

Read the Tools for Parents and Caregivers for understanding, guidance, and additional resources.

Be a “safe adult” - a consistent support and listening ear for the child.

Be an advocate for the child by helping the parent struggling with a substance use disorder get the help they need.

Supporting the Child

As a result of broken promises, harsh words, and the threat of abuse, children in many families dealing with parental addiction learn the “Don’t Trust” mantra all too well; silence and isolation can become constant companions. Perhaps the most important gift is the bonding and attachment children attain in healthy relationships with others.

In their book The Resilient Self, Drs. Sybil and Steven Wolin describe "Relationships" as an integral part of the Resilience Mandala.

In her ground-breaking research, Dr. Emmy Werner noted that resilient COAs often had a nurturing adult in their lives. Building trust is a process, not an event; time is the key. Simply caring about a child is all that it takes to start. Listening, regular time together, playing with, validating, respecting, and empowering a youngster will build a positive connection.

Jerry Moe, national director of the Betty Ford Center Children's Programs, often reminds us that "children don't care about how much adults know until they know how much adults care."

There simply can’t be resilient children unless caring adults lead the way. As bonding grows, a nurturing adult’s words take on added meaning and significance as the youngster deeply considers the source. A child may hear accurate information about alcoholism in a brand new way. Moreover, a kid can build upon his or her strengths and resilience as a result of the conscious modeling provided by that caring adult.

Whether we have children of our own or not, many of us can become a nurturing adult in a young child’s life. A youngster desperately in need of such an alliance is very close by. Downloading and reading through the Kit for Kids with a child is a great start to helping them cope with their situation.

When a Friend or Relative Needs Help to Recover

Try the E.A.S.E. Model

Most people are uncomfortable with the idea of approaching someone about problem drinking. But when a child’s well being is at stake, you may be the one to begin the process of reaching out to the problem drinker.

Consider Generational Issues

The Road to Recovery series, provided by the SAMHSA Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, features eight episodes focused on the field of recovery. Click here for a special episode dealing with intergenerational issues, and the hope that early intervention can bring for years to come.

If Drinking or Drug Use Continues

At times, the best efforts to help the person struggling with alcohol and/or drugs are not met with a willingness to acknowledge and understand what is happening to him/her and heart-wrenching deterioration in the addicted person — physically, spiritually and socially — continues. The increased concern, anger, and feeling of helplessness grows as the family experiences alienation from the person they love who, in their view it seems, is choosing a relationship with alcohol over one with them.

1. The Myth of Hitting Rock Bottom

Watching a person struggle with addiction is incredibly painful. Denial can be strong, shielding a person from admitting that the addiction is affecting day to day living, performance at work, and/or the family. It is often thought that it requires significant challenge – losing a job, one’s family, a tragic accident or experience – to “wake up” a person to the truth that there is a problem. This epiphany, it is believed, results in a commitment to treatment and recovery. Unfortunately, the desperation at this level of challenge can make successful recovery appear insurmountable, and actually may be too late for effective behavioral change. Instead, structured family intervention with the assistance of a professional can help lead a loved one to accept help and the possibility of recovery, before such devastation occurs.

2. Intervention

An intervention is a meeting between an individual in denial about their excessive alcohol or other drug use, and their friends and family, for the purpose of assisting that individual to accept help and begin a process of recovery. A professional who is a specialist in conducting successful interventions facilitates the meeting. The person with the alcohol problem does not yet believe that their drinking is a problem, and the goal is for them to hear from loved ones the reality that the drinking causes them great emotional pain and anxiety about the person’s health and safety. Whether the intervention is successful or not, family members benefit from attending Al-Anon (and Alateen) meetings, participating in a family program offered by a treatment facility, and taking part in age-appropriate educational support opportunities with their peers. Families need to recover from the impact of this “family disease” so that all can heal and begin to establish a healthy and emotionally stable family home. Family members should also be prepared to carry out their agreed-upon “boundaries” or ultimatums as expressed, should the diseased person refuse to take part in the recovery process. As recovering persons, family members will change the dynamics in the household. It can be difficult for the person with active alcoholism/addiction to live with a recovering family. This is the healthy continuation of the intervention, and the best way to support a loved one in their recovery efforts. For more on intervention, read the article in the recovery section: Saving Lives, Saving Families: A Look at Family Intervention

Send email

Any questions?

Dr. Bruce Perry

Connect With Us

Copyright© 2024 National Association for Children of Addiction | Disclaimer

615 Baltimore Pike, STE H #1158, Bel Air, Maryland, 21014; nacoa@nacoa.org

Images within this website are stock photos used for illustrative purposes only.

All subjects are models, posing in representational situations.

Navigate Complex Emotions and Find Paths to Healing

Finding Strength in Your Journey

Professionals

Professionals

Primary Care Providers

Justice System Personnels

Social Workers

Educators and Student Assistance

Early Childhood Professionals

Faith Community

Training & Programs

Webinars

Courses

NACoA's Children's Program Kit

Celebrating Families!

Testimonials

Family & Friends

"Grandparents can be a haven of stability, predictability and undemanding love, and they can help the child make sense of an unpredictable and irrational situation."

- Stephanie Abbott, MA, family counselor

How Can Relatives and Friends of the Family Help?

Read the Tools for Parents and Caregivers for understanding, guidance, and additional resources.

Be a “safe adult” - a consistent support and listening ear for the child.

Be an advocate for the child by helping the parent struggling with a substance use disorder get the help they need.

Supporting the Child

When a Friend or Relative Needs Help to Recover

Try the E.A.S.E. Model

Consider Generational Issues

If Drinking or Drug Use Continues

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