Dr. Claudia Black, a NACoA co-founder and pioneer in the field of family systems and the impact that addiction as on them, is internationally recognized for her guidance to understanding this impact and how to help families heal: “No one deserves to live a life filled with fear and shame and no one should have to. Yet sadly for most people whose lives have been affected by trauma and addiction, fear and shame are near constant companions. But they do not have to be. It is possible to heal and recover.” (from her book Unspoken Legacy: Addressing the Impact of Trauma and Addiction within the Family)

For generations, Dr. Black has explained in books and presentations that there are three fundamental unspoken rules that reign in families dealing with the disease of addiction: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, and Don’t Feel. These rules create the isolation and fear that enshroud families resulting in the pain and shame Dr. Black references.

Family members don’t question these rules; it simply is the way it is. Without intercession of some kind, these rules are passed down from one generation to another and the next generation of children learn too that they must isolate, go it alone, and never trust anyone with the truth of what is happening in the family. When these rules are carried into adulthood, the cycle continues as they raise their own children, who then grow up to become adults who in turn teach the same to their own children. It is called an inter-generational cycle. And when adults do not reach out for assistance, or support is not provided to children, these rules continue to govern, continue to isolate, continue to shame and blame families who believe that the disease of addiction is their fault. The cycle must be broken for families to find a chance to heal.

Don’t Talk

The first rule, “don’t talk,” is all about creating secrecy around the disease of addiction in the home. It often begins by making excuses for the addiction and the negative behaviors that are going on in the home. It can “normalize” the addiction. Maybe it’s a slight comment like “Its just Daddy when he’s tired.”

As the addiction becomes more severe (which it generally does without some form of professional intervention), silence starts to take over the family. There is a feeling that if the addiction is not discussed, then perhaps it will just go away.

Children in the home can take on this silence and begin to feel that they shouldn’t talk about what is going on in the home because it may hurt the family. They may also believe that they might not be believed. Also, without help and support, they may not know how to verbalize or express the traumas that they are experiencing in the home.

Don’t Trust

The second rule, “don’t trust,” is all about the breakdown of faith in one’s self and in others. When families can’t address issues head on, denial is paramount. Families cannot second guess the stories that are being told to allow the denial to continue, so one cannot trust that voice inside that says “something is wrong here.” If we don’t trust ourselves, we in turn certainly can’t trust outsiders. There is a great deal of confusion and mixed messages. Life becomes unstable when promises aren’t kept, and life is easier to not trust them in the first place. Children learn that family members can’t be trusted, and refuse to risk sharing what is happening outside the home for fear of being made fun of or not being believed.  Without assistance and support, these children can grow up challenged with an inability to trust anyone.

Don’t Feel

The third rule, “don’t feel,” allows the previous rules to pervade. If we don’t feel, we can ignore our personal response to everything that is happening and others can tell us what our reality is. If we don’t trust ourselves, and instead we believe what other people tell us, we can loose the ability to explore our independent perspective. Feelings can be dangerous to the fabric of a family struggling with the trauma related to addiction. Emotions can simply complicate things. It is easier if people go with the flow and let underdeveloped coping skills manage problems that have overwhelmed the family. This often leads to emotional repression, avoidance, and an inability to think independently. Silence and isolation are compounded for a child who isn’t allowed to feel.

Providing Help

Dr. Black reminds those growing up under these rules that it doesn’t have to stay that way: “You can have a resilient and joyful future if you can put the past behind you so that it no longer dictates how you live your life today.” That means healing enough to find comfort in talking, trusting, and feeling.

It is important for those who want to help to recognize that it only takes one consistent, caring adult can completely change a child’s life trajectory. Even if we can’t “fix” the family situation, we can help that child feel seen, believed, and safe in our presence. Caring adults can break these rules, and help these children discover more healthy ways to live. Safe adults model regulation, boundaries, kindness, and emotional availability — often giving children their first taste of what trust can feel like.

It doesn’t take a special degree, or a unique set of skills to make a difference to last a lifetime. Just be consistent and show up with presence, patience, and compassion.

How to Be a Safe Person

Here are a few ways we can become that safe adult for a child impacted by parental addiction:

• Listen without judgment. Let them talk if they want to — or just be. Your non-anxious presence matters.
• Be consistent. Predictability builds trust, especially when a child’s home life feels unstable.
• Stay regulated. If you’re calm, the child feels safer. Your own healing work supports theirs.
• Validate their experience. Even if you can’t change their situation, being supportive helps them feel understood.
• Use empowering language. Remind them of NACoA’s core messages: You are not alone. You are not to blame. I’m here to support and help you.

Dr. Claudia Black’s books For Further Reading

• Unspoken Legacy: Addressing the Impact of Trauma and Addiction within the Family
• It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults
• Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear
• Undaunted Hope: Stories of Healing from Trauma, Depression, and Addictions
• My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child’s View, Living with Addiction.

Claudia Black’s seminal work with children impacted by substance abuse in the late 1970s created the foundation for the adult child movement. Today Claudia is a renowned author and trainer internationally recognized for her pioneering and contemporary work with family systems and addictive disorders. Claudia designs and presents training workshops and seminars to professional audiences in the field of family service, mental health, and addictive disorders. Since 1998 she has been a Senior Fellow and Addiction and Trauma Program Specialist at The Meadows Treatment Center in Arizona. In addition to her advisory board work with NACoA, she has been instrumental in the development of Camp Mariposa, a camp experience for young children affected by family addiction. Author of over fifteen books, Claudia’s It Will Never Happen to Me and My Dad Loves Me My Dad Has A Disease are two classic books that continue to be ‘must reads’ for family members and professionals. ClaudiaBlack.com.