Adults who grew up in families impacted by the disease of addiction or substance misuse develop coping mechanisms to navigate life’s challenges. For ACOAs – adults who grew up in these families – one prevalent coping mechanism is the pursuit of perfection, leading to overachievement. These youth often find themselves overachievers at work, trying to escape the shadows of their tumultuous pasts. They spend time each day demonstrating their worthiness to others, and themselves. Instead of being “human beings,” connected with a healthy self-concept and resting on a foundation of confidence, they tend to exhaust themselves as “human doers,” feeding a deep-seeded need to continually prove themselves while being terrified of ridicule and unacceptance. As long as they are busy, goal oriented, and accomplished, they don’t have to sit in the fear that they are “not enough.” Unfortunately, without hope and healing, these adults may never find a level of accomplishment that convinces themselves they are OK, and the peace that accompanies that validation.
The other side of this response is when children develop an inclination towards achievement resistance; a protective mechanism against potential failure. Rather than confirm that they are worthless, they avoid trying altogether because they are already convinced they are incapable. Many children in these families are labeled the scapegoat – the person bearing the blame for all the family’s problems and negative experiences – and so they are conditioned to assume failure. Without assistance, they may go through life carrying this assumption, and avoiding situations that they suspect would simply reiterate it to them and the world.
In both cases, these perspectives can have a direct impact on one’s capacity professionally. Healing and developing resilience in the workplace allows children of all ages to find comfort as a responsible and capable employee, as well as greater confidence in themselves, their friends, and their families. Striking a balance between work performance and well-being is crucial for sustainable success in the professional arena.
Here are 10 essential skills ACOAs can employ to nurture resilience, make peace with childhood family influences, and thrive.
1. Understanding Objectives and Accomplishing Them as Instructed
Success often lies in comprehending objectives clearly and executing them with precision. For COAs, this approach requires a balanced perspective—neither making tasks more challenging than necessary nor falling into complacency. Striking this balance ensures efficiency, effectiveness, and the achievement of goals. Understanding the nuances of instructions, coupled with a commitment to delivering as expected, reflects professionalism and contributes to a culture of trust and reliability in one’s personal and professional life.
2. Embrace Mistakes as Opportunities for Growth
Perseverance is the key to unlocking untapped potential and achieving enduring success. For COAs this means keeping the faith, resisting catastrophizing, and don’t give up. The journey towards any goal usually involves challenges, setbacks, and moments of doubt. However, the decision not to give up is a testament to resilience and determination. It is important to reframe professional obstacles as opportunities to grow; every setback is a chance to refine one’s strategy. By embracing the mindset of not giving up, individuals harness their inner strength, find value in what was done well, learn from experiences, and ultimately triumph over adversity. It is turning setbacks into steppingstones toward eventual success. Rather than viewing mistakes as failures – and feeling like one – ACOAs can reframe them as opportunities for growth. Learning from setbacks not only enhances professional development but further diminishes the fear of imperfection. It replaces the need to be perfect with a desire to learn more about themselves and how to resolve issues in a healthy way.
3. Find Comfort in Capabilities
Finding comfort in one’s capabilities is a profound journey towards self-empowerment and inner peace. It involves acknowledging and embracing one’s unique strengths, skills, and potential. It is confidence in the person, not in the accomplishment. When individuals recognize their abilities, a sense of confidence and assurance emerges and builds a foundation on which people can stand solid when challenges emerge. Perfection and a need for accomplishment, or a resistance to it, is replaced with an inner glow, pride in one’s talents and capability, and a comfort in the unique contribution that a person makes as a part of a team in the workplace.
4. Be Responsible
Responsibility is the cornerstone of personal growth. It goes beyond task completion; it embodies accountability for one’s actions, decisions, and consequences. Embracing responsibility empowers individuals to contribute positively to their communities, workplaces, and relationships. It involves a conscientious approach towards evaluating responsibilities, fulfilling obligations, making ethical choices, and taking ownership of one’s impact. It also recognizes that when overscheduling or overcommitting, it can oftentimes result in long-term burnout, stressed relationships, and declining work performance. Therefore, responsibility includes not over-committing oneself and contributing to a reasonable sharing of responsibilities with others in a team-spirited manner. With a healthy approach towards responsibility, ACOAs can find more contentment, increase a sense of self-worth, and often increase the trust of others.
5. Establish Healthy Boundaries: Respond don’t React
ACOAs often struggle with what constitutes healthy boundaries. Remembering to respond, rather than emotionally react, to challenges in the workplace allows people to be intentional about behavior rather than letting past experiences and trauma resurrect in new situations when engaging with colleagues. Choosing thoughtful responses over impulsive reactions is a hallmark of emotional intelligence and maturity. It involves pausing, reflecting, and considering the most constructive way to address a situation. By responding instead of reacting, individuals control their emotions, fostering better communication, and maintain healthy boundaries. This intentional approach allows for more thoughtful decision-making; preventing unnecessary conflicts. ACOAs can develop healthier ways to engage with colleagues when issues arise and feel more comfortable turning to them for support and collaboration.
6. Cultivate Gratitude
Practicing an attitude of gratitude is a simple practice that can have a huge effect on one’s life. So much time in families affected by addiction is spent focusing on the negatives, what isn’t working, and what hasn’t been accomplished. By shifting the perspective, people can learn how to begin paying more attention to the positive, what is working, and the small tasks that contribute to larger accomplishments that are completed. This attitude of gratitude can help lead to increased happiness, reduced stress, and improved relationships. It isn’t about minimizing the hardship or disregarding responsibilities, but rather acknowledgement that there are also beautiful, worthwhile moments in each day, some of which aren’t task or project oriented. This can be done as simply as listing three good things that happened at the end of each workday. An example can be an invitation to a webinar that will provide important information to contribute to a project when you had no idea how to research the topic. Or it could be as simple as enjoying the view from the window of ducklings and their mother as they waddle into the pond near your office. Whether it is personal or professional, a habit of gratitude can help reshape how ACOAs proceed through the day and to better navigate tricky or triggering professional spaces. Gratitude contributes to increasing self-esteem, improved work relationships, and a healthy approach towards personal expectations in the workplace.
7. Prioritize Self-Care
Self-care – the practice of intentionally taking actions to nourish and care for oneself physically, emotionally, and psychologically – is essential for healthy living. So much about self-care is unfortunately lacking in homes affected by the impact of the disease of addiction. The avoidance of feelings, seeking assistance from others, and embracing our ability to support ourselves tends to be passed down from one generation to the next. All families benefit from healthier living and utilizing the skills to communicate and reach out to others to share feelings and to ask for help if needed. Getting enough sleep and exercise, eating nutritiously, drinking enough water, developing a healthy mindset, and creating a foundation for meaningful connections with oneself and others are the cornerstones of self-care and can be life altering for ACOAs. Taking care of the mind, body, and spirit in a routine fashion helps to create an element of work-life balance that mitigates feelings of burnout, self-deprecation, worthlessness, as well as helps to manage stress both at work and at home.
8. Celebrate Successes, Big and Small
Acknowledging and celebrating achievements, no matter how small, is crucial for maintaining a positive mindset. ACOAs should take time to reflect on their accomplishments, no matter if it is the smallest task or largest professional milestone. Whether it is sending an email that has seen 6 drafts or receiving an award for a contribution, ACOAs can learn that celebrating accomplishments is a new attitude that breeds a sense of satisfaction. It may feel very uncomfortable to celebrate what has been internalized as a requirement for acceptance or an expectation as a “human doer.” Positive attention can be equally uncomfortable for a person who has avoided responsibility in the past and finds newfound courage to take on new tasks and/or responsibilities and is successful. Celebrations can be as simple as listening to a favorite song, texting the news to a dear friend or family member, or sharing pride with a colleague.
9. Develop a Healthy Perspective on Feedback
Criticism is never easy, especially for children in a family who lacked the ability to provide assistance and constructive criticism to each other and instead communicated shame and blame. For ACOAs, healthy, constructive feedback can oftentimes feel abrasive. Overachievers may seek validation through constant positive feedback, while achievement-resistant individuals may avoid feedback altogether. ACOAs need to appreciate the reasonableness and assistance that healthy feedback provides in the workplace, and how to process and respond in a way that can improve work performance. Finding balance involves becoming more open to feedback, while personally strengthening one’s self-esteem and confidence and relying less on external validation and letting go of the years of shame and blame from the family. It is important to cultivate an appreciation of healthy feedback, viewing it as an opportunity for improvement rather than a critique of one’s worth. This mindset shift contributes to a more resilient and adaptive approach to work performance and challenges.
10. Three As: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action
Finding balance and a healthy process for self-improvement relies on the three As: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. ACOAs, whether overachievers or achievement-avoiders, must reflect on work habits and understand the root causes. Becoming Aware of how one’s childhood influences self-esteem and approaching responsibilities in the workplace creates new considerations and realizations. Acceptance allows an opportunity to recognize one’s own strengths and achievements while understanding that imperfections and challenges are an inherent part of human experience. Acceptance is not an easy process, and it may come slowly or in waves. By staying present, this process provides new information at a reasonable pace to address what we can as we are comfortable. Being gentle with ourselves while accepting these realizations are important. Then it is time to ACT, taking appropriate steps to respond to what has been accepted. Sometimes it is simply recognizing what is true. Perhaps it is unreasonable to expect that you can work 12 hours each day. Secondly, a change in routine to an 8-hour workday may take some time. Other actions could include registering for course to improve skills for the job to improve performance, seeking a therapist to help improve confidence or carve out healthy boundaries, or joining a club or activity of interest for improved self care and work-life balance.
By incorporating resilience coping skills, individuals who grew up in families impacted by the disease of addiction can embrace their achievements, find greater confidences in resolving work-related challenges, and foster a healthier and more sustainable approach to work and life.
To learn more about how ACOAs can live in a healthier way and heal from the impact of their childhood, explore past NACoA blogs and find more information about ACOAs on our website.
